“Is this touch okay?” - Helping Kids Understand Safe vs Unsafe Touch (Even During Nappy Changes)

Let’s talk about something that makes a lot of adults squirm - how to explain safe and unsafe touch to little ones when we are the ones responsible for helping them with things like toileting, nappy changes and hygiene.

This topic came up from an educator who purchased my Conversations with Kids cards. She shared something I’ve heard from many parents and educators before, that there’s a real fear around confusing children when we teach them that “no one should touch their private parts” but then we have to touch those areas for care-related reasons.

So let’s break it down. Gently and clearly. And in a way that empowers both the adult and the child.

What is a Safe Touch?

Here’s the truth: not all touch is bad. In fact, touch is how babies bond, how toddlers feel connection, and how children learn trust. But not all touch is safe. And children need help learning the difference.

At its core, a safe touch:

• Follows the body rules (like no one touches the private parts unless there's a good reason).

• Has consent or explanation behind it.

• Is limited in time, clear in purpose, and done with respect.

What About When Touch is Necessary?

This is the tricky part. In early childhood settings, and at home, there are moments when adults have to help with hygiene. Nappy changes. Toileting accidents. Bathing. And yes, these involve touching private areas.

This doesn't break the body safety rules if it's done with care, clarity and communication.

We teach kids that no one should touch their private parts unless:

• It’s to keep them clean or safe,

• It’s done by a trusted adult, and

• The adult explains what they’re doing.

The Safety Equation: Choice + Control + Time Limit

This is one of my favourite tools from the Protective Behaviours framework - it helps kids (and adults) make sense of different types of touch.

🟦 Safe Touch
✅ The child has choice (as much as developmentally appropriate).
✅ They know what’s going to happen (control).
✅ They know how long it will last (time limit).

🟥 Unsafe Touch
❌ No choice, no control, and no understanding of when it will end.

🟨 Ouch Touch
👉 These touches don’t feel good (like getting a needle), but they meet the safety equation, they’re explained, necessary, and temporary.

So how do we apply that during a nappy change?

You narrate what you're doing. You give them a sense of what’s happening and why. Even if they’re preverbal, the tone and respect matters.

For example:
🗣️ “I’m going to help you get cleaned up now. I need to wipe your bottom so you stay fresh and healthy. Let’s take your nappy off, then we’ll get you a clean one. All done soon.”

Even though a baby or toddler might not say yes or no, they’re still picking up safety cues from your calm tone, gentle hands, and predictability.

But What If They Report It?

Some educators are nervous - what if a child tells their parent that the teacher touched their penis or vulva during a nappy change? And that fear is real. No one wants to be accused of something they didn’t do.

Here’s where communication and consistency matter. When a service has a clear hygiene policy, uses open communication with families, and teaches protective behaviours alongside regular toileting routines - kids, carers, and families are all safer.

You can say something like:
🗣️ “At our centre, we narrate every hygiene task so children feel respected and in control. We also teach children that there are specific times adults help with private parts, like cleaning or toileting and we always explain what’s happening.”

If a child does say something to a parent, that context helps everything make sense.

Bottom Line?

Body safety isn’t about teaching children that all touch is bad it’s about helping them feel informed, empowered, and respected.

When we explain the why, use clear language, and hold space for their questions and feelings, we raise children who can recognise unsafe touch without being terrified of the world around them.

And we raise educators and parents who feel confident that they’re doing it right, even in the messy moments.

💡Want help starting these conversations?
My Conversations with Kids Body Safety Cards are designed for exactly this - age-appropriate, simple, and effective.

Because when we get clear, kids get safe.

Kristi x