A note for myself about parenting
I talk about parenting my daughter in my book, I talk about her on my podcast, I share little anecdotes and stories about my parenting journey when I talk one-on-one with people but the one thing I haven’t been sharing with you is how fucking hard I struggle day-to-day with parenting.
I feel like I’m barely keeping my head above water with the emotional rollercoaster that is parenting. Most days I feel like I’m drowning.
I question myself, doubt myself, berate and judge myself constantly.
I’m not doing enough, I’m too hard, I’m too soft, I’m doing too much, I wasn’t fair enough, I wasn’t kind enough, I yell too much, I let her push me around and dictate too much.
My heart and brain are constantly at war with each other over how to parent.
No one fucking told us how hard this shit is. No one told us how every part of the way adds a different layer to the experience. No one told us how much of ourselves we would or could lose and how much we will and do gain.
Nobody told me that it doesn’t matter how much you truly, you’ll never feel like you are doing enough.
How you can both love and hate them with equal measure at times.
How I doubt every day if I’m a good parent, only to remember the fact that if I’m worrying about it and I’m trying to be one, than I am obviously doing my best.
I am truly convinced that there is no way you can’t fuck this shit up. That there is no such thing as a perfect parent.
That our kids, no matter how fucking hard we try or work at it, will ultimately feel we didn’t do something right or didn’t like something we did, no matter our best intentions and efforts.
My only hope is that one day she will look back and see my efforts for what they are and forgive me for all the things that she feels I could of done better.
I hope she knows how hard I tried, how much I sacrificed, how much I did because of my love for her and that I keep doing my absolute best.
That I lost myself and who am I am just by being her mum.
And regardless of how much this journey hurts some times, I would lose myself all over again for her in a heart beat.