The grooming no one talks about

When people talk about grooming, they usually imagine an adult targeting a child, buying gifts, gaining trust, isolating them slowly. But that’s only part of the story.

What almost no one talks about is the grooming that starts long before a child is even involved.

Self-grooming.

It’s uncomfortable to hear, but it’s critical if we actually want to prevent abuse, not just respond to it.

What Is Self-Grooming?

Self-grooming is when an adult justifies, normalises, or minimises the harm they’re about to cause.
It’s how someone makes abuse feel acceptable to themselves before they ever cross the line.

And yes, this includes female offenders.

In fact, new research (Smith & Ten-Bensel, 2024) has shown just how layered, manipulative and disturbingly rational, self-grooming can be.

5 Self-Grooming Tactics Offenders Use:

1. Cognitive Distortion

"It’s not abuse. I’m helping them.”
Offenders reframe abuse as affection, love, or mentorship. It lets them believe they’re not doing anything wrong, just “caring” for a child who needs them.

2. Moral Justification

"They’re neglected. I’m the only one who sees them."
They position themselves as a saviour figure. The abuse becomes a twisted act of protection.

3. Denial of Harm

"They didn’t say no. They seemed fine."
This tactic strips children of their power and emotional complexity. Silence or confusion is reframed as consent.

4. Emotional Grooming of the Self

"We had a connection."
Offenders convince themselves the child “wanted” it or that it was mutual. This delusion is especially common among female offenders who frame abuse as a special friendship or bond.

5. Avoiding Responsibility

"It just happened. They came onto me."
They rewrite the story so they’re not the instigator, minimising their role and shifting blame.

Why This Matters

You can’t stop abuse if you don’t understand how people get themselves there.
This is the missing piece in many child safety frameworks and it’s why prevention has to go deeper than posters and PDs.

If we only focus on what adults do to children, we miss how they’ve already groomed themselves to justify it.

This Isn’t About Gender. It’s About Truth.

Every time I speak about abuse, someone comments: “Women abuse too.”
And they are right.
Abuse isn’t gendered. It’s strategic. Calculated. Justified. And until we understand the inner mechanics—how anyone can convince themselves it’s okay, we are missing half the battle.

This isn’t about blaming men or defending women.
It’s about lifting the lid on all abuse, no matter who’s behind it.
Because protecting children requires radical honesty, not comfort.

So What Can We Do?

🔹 Start educating adults on how abuse is justified internally, not just how it looks on the outside.
🔹 Create safer cultures that teach people how to recognise grooming in themselves and others.
🔹 Build systems that are uncomfortable but effective.

Because the truth is this:
Until we’re willing to look at what drives abuse from the inside out - the thoughts, the justifications, the emotional blind spots, we will always be a step behind. Grooming doesn’t start with the child. It starts in the adult’s mind. And that’s where prevention has to begin.

Understanding these internal motivations isn’t about sympathy.
It’s about strategy.
Because when we understand how abuse is justified, we get better at interrupting it before it ever begins.

Kristi x