How to talk to your kids if you are worried something might have happened

How to talk to your kids if you are worried something might have happened 
(aka: The conversation you pray you’ll never need - but must know how to have)

It’s every parent’s worst fear!

The panic that comes with wondering if your child might’ve been hurt. Maybe there was a shift in their behaviour. A strange comment. A gut feeling you just can’t shake. Or a report that someone close to you and your family has done the unthinkable and hurt another child. And now you’re here, unsure of what to do next.

You’re not alone. And no, you’re not overreacting.

This isn’t about being paranoid, it’s about being protective.

You don’t need to have proof to start a conversation. You just need to remain calm and a willingness to lean into discomfort for the sake of your child’s safety.

This conversation? It might feel heavy, but it could be the one that helps you ensure your child isn’t hurting in silence.

Why having this conversations matters!!

The heartbreaking truth? Most children who experience abuse never tell anyone. In fact, approximately 84% of women and 99% of men will NEVER tell ANYONE that they were sexually abused as a child.

That is a lot of kids feeling unsafe and alone with a burden no child should carry. Not because they don’t want to but because they don’t know how, or they’re afraid of what will happen if they do.

Sometimes, all it takes is one calm, grounded adult who gives them permission to speak. That’s you.

This isn’t about fishing for answers. It’s about creating safety, building trust, and showing them that you can handle the truth, whatever it is.

And they may just be waiting for you to start the conversation first.

The 3-Step Guide to Starting That Hard Conversation

Before we dive into how to start these conversations, I want you to know that abusers groom children so that they don’t feel safe to speak to their safe adults.

Sometimes that grooming is so effective that by the time we have the countering conversations, they already believe the abuser and don’t feel safe to speak up.

This is why having ongoing body safety conversations is so vitally important. We just don’t know which conversation will make the difference and help them feel safe enough to disclose, especially if something is happening to them.

1. Open the Door, Gently

Choose a moment that feels relaxed. Maybe during a car ride, a walk, or while doing something simple like drawing or cooking. The goal is low-pressure, high safety.

My personal favourite time to have these conversations was whilst driving with my daughter (just the two of us) or snuggling in bed at night whilst getting ready for bed.

Say something like:

“Hey, I just want you to know... if anything ever happens or anyone ever makes you feel uncomfortable, scared, or confused, you can always talk to me and tell me. I promise that I will always listen and believe you. Doesn’t matter what it is or who it is about. My job is to love and protect you, always”

Or:

“Hey, you know how we talk about body safety sometimes? Something happened the other day that made me realise that I hadn’t checked in with you lately. Has anyone ever said or done something that made you feel weird or unsure or even done something that made you feel unsafe? You can tell me anything, and I won’t be mad or upset with you. I’m always here to listen and help you”

It’s not about drilling them with questions. It’s about planting seeds of safety. Giving them the words and the permission to speak - even if it takes time and multiple conversations.

2. Stay Calm (even If you're dying inside)

If your child does open up to you and disclose abuse, your job isn’t to have all the answers. It’s to be their anchor.

Take a deep breath. Keep your face soft (try and do your best – I’m still mastering this one). Resist the urge to panic or ask a million questions.

Say things like:

“Thank you for telling me. Is there anything you need from me right now to help you feel safe?”
“You did nothing wrong and it’s not your fault.”
“I’m really proud of you for saying that out loud. You are so brave”
“Thank you for trusting me with that, I know it isn’t easy to share.”

Your energy matters more than your words. If they see fear, rage, or disbelief in your eyes, they might shut down. Your calm creates safety and your presence tells them: I’ve got you.

Police Note: Peppering them with questions and trying to obtain every single detail of what has happened can jeopardise potential investigations and sometimes makes a child less willing to speak to a child interviewer/police etc. Once you have confirmation that something has happened, your job is to support your child first and foremost. Leave the details for police and authorities. 

For the less personal shares (because they might share about something happening to someone else or even something they saw online), say:

“That’s super interesting, do you know what that is or means?” (Because they might not actually know exactly what it is or what the term means & by getting them to explain gives you an idea of what their exposure to the topic is)
“Wow, thanks for sharing that about {insert person’s name}, how did/would that make you feel if it was you in that same situation?”
“So glad you could tell me about that, what do you think kids could do if that happened again or if that sort of thing ever happened to you?”

3. Don’t Push for Details - Just Reassure and Act

You don’t need to become the detective. (That was my job, once upon a time.)
Your job as a parent is to hold space and take the next right step.

Avoid asking leading questions like “Did they touch you?”.

The full details will be important but not in that exact moment.  

Instead, keep it open:

“Can you tell me what happened?”
“How did that make you feel?”

Then reassure them:

“This is not your fault. I believe you. I’m so proud of you for telling me.”

From there, you can contact your local police, a child protection hotline or speak with a trusted professional for support. You're not alone in this either. There are people who can help you navigate the next step with care and clarity and help you with planning what to do next.

What NOT to Do

• Don’t ask “Why didn’t you tell me?” - That only fuels shame.
• Don’t promise to keep secrets. Secrets don’t protect anyone. Always promise safety.
• Don’t let fear or guilt silence you. It’s okay to be scared and brave at the same time.

The most important part in that moment is that your child feels safe, they know you have listened and believed them and that whoever else is involved doesn’t have further access to your child whilst it gets dealt with by authorities.

Final Thoughts: You’re Braver Than You Know

This isn’t about being perfect or saying the perfect things. It’s about being present. It’s about showing your child that they are never too broken, too late, or too much for you to handle.

You might be terrified. That’s normal. But you are your child’s safest place and just starting the conversation could be the beginning of healing, protection, or even justice.

Want More Help?

Inside the KidSafe Collective, we talk about these conversations all the time. You don’t have to do this alone. Or grab a copy of my Conversations with Kids Body Safety Cards to start having life saving, preventative body safety conversations with your kids today. 

Kristi x